Up for the Challenge

Im not happy

I havent been happy for awhile.

You can say that Im stuck in a rut. 

At this point in my life I find myself doing the same things over and over again. I find my lifestyle very boring. I get up, get dressed, go to work to a job where at one point I found very meaningful but now after 10-11 years of teaching, I find myself asking myself if I want to continue. After a day of teaching, I go to my second job, then come home and go to bed. My weekends consists of running around and trying to catch up.

I moan, I complain, Lately, I rarely see the positive side of things.

I need a change.

So instead of saying it, I decided to start doing.

Up late one night doing a meaningless internet search I came across this website:

http://happyblackwoman.com/

and started reading............
and reading.................
and reading.................

and realized that I can be happy again, that its possible, and I decided to make it a goal for 2013, but my next question was how?

till I saw the challenge.......

http://happyblackwoman.com/category/31-days-to-reset-your-life/

I thought to myself... 31 days to change 33 years of thinking... (ok more like 3 years of negative self talk off and on, still too long) ....its not going to work, but then I thought why not try...its not like I've really tried to change. I've said it over and over, started reading books, listening to podcasts but never really stuck with anything.

so now Im up for the challenge and awaiting the outcome

#photoadayaug

#photoadayaug, a set on Flickr.

Collection of August photo challenge

reassure

Is it too much to ask for reassurance in life?
To reassure someone is to restore confidence; to assure again, to render safe and secure
Is that alot to ask for?
Im starting to think it is
Im not asking for alot
Just a simple positive comment from time to time

I have a wait Problem

I have a wait problem

I wait for things to get better

I wait for the economy to improve

I wait for just the right moment

I wait til we have more money in the bank

I wait for a better day

I wait for more information

I wait for the perfect job

I wait for just the right time

I wait for the right person

I wait for a promotion

I wait until Im ready

I wait for the right words

I wait for a sign

I wait for the chaos to stop

I need to stop waiting

Im starting to realize that life is isnt about waiting for the right moment to enjoy it. Life doesnt have a particular order. Things happen when they do. Im starting to learn how to focus on the here and now. I need to trust myself and go with the flow of things and stop waiting for that moment.....

Am I my hair???

I thinking, weighing the options, wondering if Im going to do the right thing.

I have been growing my locs for the past seven years. I can say that Im tired. I want a new look. Over the years, my hair has been pressed, pulled, cut, dyed fried and laid to the side. Its been up, down, long and short. Rocked a weave and a wig. Permed it cause society said it was the thing to do and went natural to be free. So now its time to take a different route on this hair journey.

The last time, I got my locs "trimmed", 4 in was cut off and I freaked out. The mere thought of cutting them again scared me. I saw my locs apart of me. I started thinking do  my locs define "me". Am I still going to be Lisa without them.

Am I my hair?

Letter of Apology to him

I have been thinking to myself a lot lately over what went wrong and what makes me feel terribly awful. I have thought about the suggestion you made of us taking a break. I do not agree with it. I am afraid that we will lose our friendship. You are my best friend. I will miss the conversations we have, the laughter,  and the closeness that we share. I cherish your friendship. You and I have shared things and conversations about our lives, our families that I would never with anyone else. The main reason for that is because I trust you, and you listen to me, as I do to you. I can say that I have had some of the most wonderful times with you that I have ever had in my entire life, so much laughing and smiling. I had told you once before that when you talk I hold onto every word that comes out of your mouth and it's like they are engraved in the back of my mind forever. I am afraid that the texting to say hi, how are you will no longer be sent. I am afraid that you will move on and not look back. 

I admit that I have a problem. I have always knowing it. Somewhere along the line I started to believe that I, Lisa, isn't good enough. No matter what I do, say, wear, look or achieve. No matter how good of a person I am. It is not good enough. So because of this mindset, I do have times where my low self-esteem manifests and takes control. I don't like it one bit. I feel low, worthless, and unloved when I have these periods. 

I do admit that I am hard on myself. I do admit that I look at the past and focus on my mistakes and instead of learning from them. 

I am trying. I want to be the person that you are proud to be with. The one that makes you smile at any thought. 

I am sorry if I had made you frustrated or unhappy with me. 

Please forgive me for my actions. I have not been doing my job as a friend, your girlfriend, or your lover.  The worst part about it all is that I only have myself to blame for it all. 

Day 3- My First Love

Ok on this day I am to write my first love.......................................... (blinking eyes) (blank stare)

This is a hard one, still thinking about it. .................give me a sec

Well, hmmm, uh,.....well here it goes, my first love is love. I love the feeling of love. Love makes me feel powerful and strong. When love is around, everything goes right. The sun is shinning, the birds are chirping, the breeze is just right. All is calm, when love is around. Theres no stress, drama, or worries. And the good thing about love is that it can come in all forms. Theres no telling how love will come about. It can show when listen to some good music, having a good laugh, hanging with good friends, hearing the good word, or having a warm memory.

My first love is Love.