Corinne Bailey Rae - Closer (Live in Williamsburg)

I love this song......

Random thoughts

As I sit here at work, so many thoughts go thru my mind. Today I decided to just write them down. They wont be in any order, but there are some things that I just have to get off my mind.

I find myself feeling bad for things that I have done or havent done.

I have mixed feelings about being 30.

I have a fear of being alone.

I sometimes think that Im not living up to my potential.

I feel that Im too nice to people, thus they take my kindness for weakness.

I hate to say "no" to people and their requests.

I hate disappointing looks on people's faces.

At times I suffer from low self-esteem.

I was a late-bloomer, and still is at times.

Sometimes I wish that I heared some type of feedback so I wouldnt have all these negative thoughts swirliong in my head. I swear I think that I the only one that is screwed up

Education

Education is responsibility of all Americans, Obama says - Washington Times

I love it I love it I loveit

My Fears

We are always changing. Becoming different in big or subtle ways. Part of life is to manage those changes, to make sure our hearts and minds are more and more in tune. With that in mind, what do you need to change?


For me at this point in time, this is an excellent question. There are days when I feel that there is alot that I need to change, while there are other days when I feel that nothing should be changed at all. I do know that I need to change my fears.



I have a fear of not being accepted.


I have done some things that Im not proud of but hey thats life, we live and we learn. But there is so much more that I am proud of. I live my life for me. But I have encountered some people who have passed judgement on me cause of who I am. Im not a typical person nor do I have typical ideas. Living in DC and traveling has exposed me to different ways of the world. I did not grow up being limited. So my interests are not one who see me being "into".



I have a fear of growing old alone.


I love being loved and in love. Yet I have such a terrible dating record. I have been abused for being the person that I am. I have been hurt, heartbroken and used for being the person that I am. So I cannot lie and say that there are times when I feel like my ship has sailed. That Is missed out on having children and being married to the one that will complement me.

Becoming a "Girl"

Funny, this idea has been in my head for awhile, but i didnt know how to title it. I know some are wondering, becoming a girl, you are a girl. I know that, Duh.

This blog is about how I came into my own

I am the first to claim that I am a tomboy. Growing up, I climb trees, ran races, played rough, anything the boys was doing I joined in. I played with the girls at times, but for most I was getting dirty. Even when it came to clothes, in elementary school and junior high, eventhou I wore a uniform I couldnt wait until I put on my jeans. My father tried to get me in dresses but that lasted a short period of time. I remember in 3rd grade, he brought 5 new dresses, by the end of 3rd grade, 4 still had pricetags still on it.

And this continued pretty much all of high school, even college. In high school and college, many didnt see me in a skirt, if they did then it was laundry day. I lived in my jeans, in high school thanks to early 90's baggy was in, and I loved it. It was so easy to throw on a t-shirt and jeans, as it still is today.

But something changed, when I hit my mid twenties, I didnt want to be mistaken for a boy ( I was getting the feeling that at times I was either being seen as a boy or gay). I noticed that I got more into fashion. I was always concerned about how I presented myself but this was different. I actually was concerned about how I put my outfits together. What matched with what, which shoes to wear, what purse to carry. Before I left the house, everything had to be in place. I noticed that my shoe and purse collection was getting bigger. I now pick up fashion magazines and pay attention to the latest trends and even is wearing make-up. Where before it was 20 min max for me to get ready, now I fall into the category where it can take me anywhere from 45 min to 90 to get ready depending on the venue.

And I wonder at times, what happened to the girl that only wore jeans and a tshirt. It would be nice for her to show up once an awhile

I Need Love

".........i need love

somebody to touch me

somebody who wants to be with me only

i need love

somebody to hold me

tell me that they love me

never gonna let me go........."

Ledisi
Ineed Love
2009

I just brought this album on Wednesday and when I heard track #11, I was inspired to write. I saw myself in this song. I believe at times that I am the poster child for unsuccessful male/female relationships.

"......love

i don't think i have much more to give to no one else

maybe its time for me to be by myself

because it hurts to much to put my love on the shelf

love....."

I have been told countless number of times that I should spend time to myself. Figure out who Lisa is. This advice comes about when I go through a short lived relationship. Yes it does hurt when they dont last. Yes it hurts when I give my all and get nothing in return. I do admit that I have been used and abused, physically, mentally and verbally. Eventhou I have had my share of bad relationships, kissed a few frongs, I am still holding out. I believe that it is possible to be in a positive healthy relationship. I have plenty of friends, both male and female who are in healty relationships. I do know that everyday isnt going to peaches and cream. Being in a relationship takes alot of work. Communication is key, along with respect, plus on top of that knowing that Love isn´t an adjective, it´s a verb! Love is a verb, an action word. Action means doing, saying, and moving. Its the small things along with the large things that I believe that my friends know the truth of their partner´s love.

".........love

you said you'd never go away

but your gone, and im right back where i used to be

wondering if you really were for me

love....."

So now I sit here wondering when......

Yes it hurts as I sit there wondering..............

when is it my turn.................

Body Image

"Body image is a term which may refer to a person's perception of his or her own physical appearance, or the interpretation of the body by the brain. Essentially, body image describes how one perceives one's appearance to be to others, which in many cases may be dramatically different from one's objective physical condition or how one is actually perceived by others. "



That is the definition I found from wikipedia.com. Which sounds all good and gravy. I tend to have a hard time seeing the positive in this definition.



Everyone distorts her body size to some extent. After all, people can only look at themselves from within or through a mirror. They can never see themselves from the perspective of someone else. Having some body image distortion is normal. As teenager, I was obsessed with achieving the “white girl” look: slim hips, perky breasts, flat stomach. I hated that I didn’t look like models in my magazines. In high school and most of college, I was straight up and down, no curves, no hips, no butt, and a card carrying member of the IBTC. (itty-bitty tity committee)


I believe that every woman is utterly and completely beautiful. I am ususally the first to say so. I will stop a complete stranger to compliment her. Me on the other hand dont know how to take a compliment, I will throw the attention off me in a heartbeat. Many have to understand that growing up I didnt hear any positive compliments and as adult they are far and few between. Mainly I always heard about how Im not and when I find myself faced with produced images of beauty in magazines or billboards, I still can’t help but wish I looked like them to an extent. Im still on a quest for a flat stomach. As a photographer and this day in age with photoshop, you think that I would understand that what I see at times have been altered. It even has creept into my mind while I am with my partner, I worry that he would see a hair here, or a flabby spot there, and be turned off.



After having time to myself and some internet searching, i found out that this is an age old debate, since women are exploited at times and we live in a visual society. I did find three tips to a healthier body image on glamour.com that I agree with



1. "I will spend less and less time in front of mirrors--especially when they are making me feel uncomfortable and self-conscious about my body."



2. "I will list 5-10 good qualities that I have, such as understanding, intelligence, or creativity. I will repeat these to myself whenever I start to feel bad about my body."



3. "I will surround myself with people and things that make me feel good about myself and my abilities. When I am around people and things that support me and make me feel good, (That’s what I have you guys for!) I will be less likely to base my self-esteem on the way my body looks." (I guess the flipside of that is to not hang around with people who make me feel horrible about myself, right? (I already knew that, but it's a good reminder!)



(borrowed from 3 tips to a Healthier Body Image http://www.glamour.com/health-fitness/blogs/shape-up/2009/08/3-tips-for-better-body-image.html)