Up for the Challenge

Im not happy

I havent been happy for awhile.

You can say that Im stuck in a rut. 

At this point in my life I find myself doing the same things over and over again. I find my lifestyle very boring. I get up, get dressed, go to work to a job where at one point I found very meaningful but now after 10-11 years of teaching, I find myself asking myself if I want to continue. After a day of teaching, I go to my second job, then come home and go to bed. My weekends consists of running around and trying to catch up.

I moan, I complain, Lately, I rarely see the positive side of things.

I need a change.

So instead of saying it, I decided to start doing.

Up late one night doing a meaningless internet search I came across this website:

http://happyblackwoman.com/

and started reading............
and reading.................
and reading.................

and realized that I can be happy again, that its possible, and I decided to make it a goal for 2013, but my next question was how?

till I saw the challenge.......

http://happyblackwoman.com/category/31-days-to-reset-your-life/

I thought to myself... 31 days to change 33 years of thinking... (ok more like 3 years of negative self talk off and on, still too long) ....its not going to work, but then I thought why not try...its not like I've really tried to change. I've said it over and over, started reading books, listening to podcasts but never really stuck with anything.

so now Im up for the challenge and awaiting the outcome

#photoadayaug

#photoadayaug, a set on Flickr.

Collection of August photo challenge

reassure

Is it too much to ask for reassurance in life?
To reassure someone is to restore confidence; to assure again, to render safe and secure
Is that alot to ask for?
Im starting to think it is
Im not asking for alot
Just a simple positive comment from time to time

I have a wait Problem

I have a wait problem

I wait for things to get better

I wait for the economy to improve

I wait for just the right moment

I wait til we have more money in the bank

I wait for a better day

I wait for more information

I wait for the perfect job

I wait for just the right time

I wait for the right person

I wait for a promotion

I wait until Im ready

I wait for the right words

I wait for a sign

I wait for the chaos to stop

I need to stop waiting

Im starting to realize that life is isnt about waiting for the right moment to enjoy it. Life doesnt have a particular order. Things happen when they do. Im starting to learn how to focus on the here and now. I need to trust myself and go with the flow of things and stop waiting for that moment.....

Am I my hair???

I thinking, weighing the options, wondering if Im going to do the right thing.

I have been growing my locs for the past seven years. I can say that Im tired. I want a new look. Over the years, my hair has been pressed, pulled, cut, dyed fried and laid to the side. Its been up, down, long and short. Rocked a weave and a wig. Permed it cause society said it was the thing to do and went natural to be free. So now its time to take a different route on this hair journey.

The last time, I got my locs "trimmed", 4 in was cut off and I freaked out. The mere thought of cutting them again scared me. I saw my locs apart of me. I started thinking do  my locs define "me". Am I still going to be Lisa without them.

Am I my hair?

Letter of Apology to him

I have been thinking to myself a lot lately over what went wrong and what makes me feel terribly awful. I have thought about the suggestion you made of us taking a break. I do not agree with it. I am afraid that we will lose our friendship. You are my best friend. I will miss the conversations we have, the laughter,  and the closeness that we share. I cherish your friendship. You and I have shared things and conversations about our lives, our families that I would never with anyone else. The main reason for that is because I trust you, and you listen to me, as I do to you. I can say that I have had some of the most wonderful times with you that I have ever had in my entire life, so much laughing and smiling. I had told you once before that when you talk I hold onto every word that comes out of your mouth and it's like they are engraved in the back of my mind forever. I am afraid that the texting to say hi, how are you will no longer be sent. I am afraid that you will move on and not look back. 

I admit that I have a problem. I have always knowing it. Somewhere along the line I started to believe that I, Lisa, isn't good enough. No matter what I do, say, wear, look or achieve. No matter how good of a person I am. It is not good enough. So because of this mindset, I do have times where my low self-esteem manifests and takes control. I don't like it one bit. I feel low, worthless, and unloved when I have these periods. 

I do admit that I am hard on myself. I do admit that I look at the past and focus on my mistakes and instead of learning from them. 

I am trying. I want to be the person that you are proud to be with. The one that makes you smile at any thought. 

I am sorry if I had made you frustrated or unhappy with me. 

Please forgive me for my actions. I have not been doing my job as a friend, your girlfriend, or your lover.  The worst part about it all is that I only have myself to blame for it all. 

Day 3- My First Love

Ok on this day I am to write my first love.......................................... (blinking eyes) (blank stare)

This is a hard one, still thinking about it. .................give me a sec

Well, hmmm, uh,.....well here it goes, my first love is love. I love the feeling of love. Love makes me feel powerful and strong. When love is around, everything goes right. The sun is shinning, the birds are chirping, the breeze is just right. All is calm, when love is around. Theres no stress, drama, or worries. And the good thing about love is that it can come in all forms. Theres no telling how love will come about. It can show when listen to some good music, having a good laugh, hanging with good friends, hearing the good word, or having a warm memory.

My first love is Love. 

Day 2 - Nickname

Nickname
Well I dont have one...simple my name has only 4 letters, so you cant shorten it, eventhou many have tried and failed. Lis is what they have come up with...why not add the "a" sound to then end and get Lisa. My niece when she was younger used to call me My Lisa instead of Aunt Lisa, her reason Im her aunt and nobody elses.

Anyway growing up I wanted a nickname because I felt that having a nickname made one stand out and be noticed more. Sure Ive had terms of endearment for lovers past and present: babe, baby, love: nothing that made me feel different from the next Lisa.

As I got older I realized that I dont need a nickname to stand out. I stand out by being LISA!!!!

Emotional Void

i have something to admit, its been a long time coming, i kinda knew all along, last night it hit me like a brick wall.

i have an emotional void.

an emotional void is when someone feels like they have a empty hole in their heart

i knew that mine has always been there, it was small. at first it was due to not having that emotional connection that i needed. i was the crybaby in elementary school then turned into the moody one when i got older. it was easy for my to control that void at first. i was able to be filled with small things that made me happy, shopping, spending time with friends, going out,traveling/exploring,trying new things, food, cooking,quiet time, spending time with the one i was with....sex

those things still work but they are not enough

the hole has gotten bigger

Day 1- Lisa

Day 1

Hi 

Day 1 I am to introduce myself to you, upload a recent photo and list 15 interesting facts about me. Well here is goes. My name is Lisa. I dont have a recent photo of me, Im not one that like to be in front of the camera, I love being behind it. As far as 15 interesting facts well.....

• I read magazines from back to front
• I have to have some type of noise in order to fall asleep so most of the time the tv is on
• I can pretty much turn anything into a sexual reference
• I talk to myself............. most the time..
• I have a horrible short term memory, but i refuse to make lists to remind me what i have to do that day.
• There isn't any kind of music that i don't like.
• I love photography, and I get jealous of people with nice cameras.
• Im such a a scatterbrain, I have such a weird way of filing things
• The travel bug bit me and I bit back
• I often put myself down
• I watch CSI like its a religion
• im sort of eccentric
• Change doesnt terrify me, I find it exciting
• Im a very passionate person
• I have this never ending desire to learn and explore
• I believe in love

I hate......

• Being rushed
• Failing, in general
• Being a third wheel, or making anyone feel like one
• Losing something
• Being lied to
• Being alone
• No happy endings in books/movies
• Attention whores
• Repeating myself
• Forgetting something and spending all day trying to remember
• Embarrassing moments in public
• Playing favorites
• When people get close to you, and then don't talk to you anymore
• The feeling of procrastination
• When something is sold out
• When other people talk about hanging out with other people in front of you

Love, Curiosity, Freckles and Doubt: May Blog Challenge: Who's Game???

Love, Curiosity, Freckles and Doubt: May Blog Challenge: Who's Game???: While catching up on some of my favorite blogs, I ran across a challenge at Thoughtsofsoutherngal   blog Who's Game???

Im down, I havent written in awhile and a challenge is all I need to get going again
Stay Tuned

Project 365 Week 6 - Sleep

Project 365 Week 4- Macro

Project 354 Week 3 - Breakfast

Project 365 Week 2- Cold

Project 365 Week 1- Newness

My List

everybody talks about how either you should or should have a list ......you know that list. well i wrote one and here it is

• Shows up on time
• Calls when he says he will
• Chooses honesty over excuses and lies
• Has a sense of adventure
• Has a passion for something
• Is down to earth (NO arrogance or cockiness, thank you!)
• Likes to talk, but also appreciates silence every now and then
• Isn't into drugs or heavy drinking
• Has respect for women
• Is a bit of a family man
• Respects that I'm an independent person
• Enjoys cooking meals
• Is loyal to those he loves!
• Smiles and laughs often
• Gives big, warm hugs
• Appreciates my style
• Makes 3am ice cream runs with me
• Would enjoy spontaneously packing a bag and going away for the weekend with me
• Makes me his top priority
• Is easy going
• Values a strong mind over a strong fist
• Likes to banter back and forth, out of affection
• Is quick witted
• Does romantic gestures for me
• Surprises me, pleasantly
• Can admit he's wrong and apologize
• Has ambition and motivation
• Listens and cares

10 things you dont know about me

• my favorite pastime is lying down, looking at the clouds
• i love horror movies, but can't really watch them alone, sometimes i fast forward through the really gruesome parts
• i'm the kind of person that makes jokes to hide their feelings
• if i had the chance i would move to a farm right now.
• i find it hard to take compliments, or i just don't believe them myself
• i have extremely good hearing and almost all of the time hear you, when i dont react its cause i'm ignoring you
• i have really high expectations for myself
• im pretty laid back, but i like things going my way
• i sing along with the music played in stores, and might even dance to it
• i think that im painfully average, i would love to do something memorable

2011

I spent my last day of 2010, reflecting......I reflected on the events and achievements of the past year to determine areas that can be improved and processes that can be enhanced. I can say that I was not to pleased with how 2010 panned out.I started the year with a negative outlook. I was very unhappy with my life. I was unemployed, finances were out of order, unhappy and felt that I was going to be eternally single. My mood swings forever dictated my days. There were times when I was happy to see the sun and there were times that I didnt even care if I woke up to see another day. I wanted it all to end. I felt like I was in a black hole. I never really told my friends how I truly felt. Some thought it was a phase and that I was overreacting. Others didnt know at all because I put on a very good front. They would ask questions but I would tell them only alittle bit. (I never really like sharing all with some people. There are very few that knows whats going on with me, I think that stems from me being emotional and most of my friends/associates feel that I react solely from my emotions)

Things did start to turn around in 2010, I went back to teaching after not teaching for a year I realized that thats all I want to do, I did date a man that truly understood me, even though it was short lived if felt good to know that I can be me in a relationship and not have to wear a mask. My finances picked back up. My overall attitude started to change, I also made some decisions when it came to my friends. There where some I had to say goodbye too. It was hard but that is how life is. I wish them no ill will, I wish them all the best.

They say the New Year always offers an opportunity for new beginnings because of the renewed sense of hope it brings. So for 2011, I making changes. My New Resolutions are my goals to achieve in 2011. I know there are somethings that I need to work on. So Im taking it one day at a time

1. Write more-I used to journal put what I was feeling/thinking on paper. It was a wonderful release, I need to get back to that.

2.Be a better friend- I have some wonderful friendships that I need to focus on. They have been there through thick and thin and accept me for me. I admit that I can be a better friend to them.

3.Live life- I do admit that there are times when I see the glass as half empty. Life is hard and there is no instructional manual. But I need to learn how to roll with the punches, grab the bull by its horns and keep it moving

4. Stop being a doormat- Thats a hard one, I know that is written all over me that I bend over backwards for everyone else and put myself last. I need to start saying no, and accept that it will be ok. Others are just going to have to get over it

5. Finish my certification- Ive been teaching for 9 yrs now, I should have my certification by now. Period

6.Accept my past- Another hard one, I am very hard on myself and I dwell and find myself thinking about my past. Yes there are somethings that I wish I did not do, but its too late, its done. I need to learn to build a bridge and get over it.

7. Develop my faith more- I admit, like its a big secret, Im not a religious person. Ive always been more spiritual. For me I feel that I will become a better person if I develop my faith more.

Yes its a short list, I know that I didnt put doing things like exercise more, eat healthy, manage debt. Those are a given. What I wrote down are the ones that I need to focus on and accomplish for me to enjoy 2011. So when I look back on 2011, I know I would have developed a better sense of self. I can look back and smile and move forward. Its a process, one thats long over due.