My Fears

We are always changing. Becoming different in big or subtle ways. Part of life is to manage those changes, to make sure our hearts and minds are more and more in tune. With that in mind, what do you need to change?


For me at this point in time, this is an excellent question. There are days when I feel that there is alot that I need to change, while there are other days when I feel that nothing should be changed at all. I do know that I need to change my fears.



I have a fear of not being accepted.


I have done some things that Im not proud of but hey thats life, we live and we learn. But there is so much more that I am proud of. I live my life for me. But I have encountered some people who have passed judgement on me cause of who I am. Im not a typical person nor do I have typical ideas. Living in DC and traveling has exposed me to different ways of the world. I did not grow up being limited. So my interests are not one who see me being "into".



I have a fear of growing old alone.


I love being loved and in love. Yet I have such a terrible dating record. I have been abused for being the person that I am. I have been hurt, heartbroken and used for being the person that I am. So I cannot lie and say that there are times when I feel like my ship has sailed. That Is missed out on having children and being married to the one that will complement me.

Becoming a "Girl"

Funny, this idea has been in my head for awhile, but i didnt know how to title it. I know some are wondering, becoming a girl, you are a girl. I know that, Duh.

This blog is about how I came into my own

I am the first to claim that I am a tomboy. Growing up, I climb trees, ran races, played rough, anything the boys was doing I joined in. I played with the girls at times, but for most I was getting dirty. Even when it came to clothes, in elementary school and junior high, eventhou I wore a uniform I couldnt wait until I put on my jeans. My father tried to get me in dresses but that lasted a short period of time. I remember in 3rd grade, he brought 5 new dresses, by the end of 3rd grade, 4 still had pricetags still on it.

And this continued pretty much all of high school, even college. In high school and college, many didnt see me in a skirt, if they did then it was laundry day. I lived in my jeans, in high school thanks to early 90's baggy was in, and I loved it. It was so easy to throw on a t-shirt and jeans, as it still is today.

But something changed, when I hit my mid twenties, I didnt want to be mistaken for a boy ( I was getting the feeling that at times I was either being seen as a boy or gay). I noticed that I got more into fashion. I was always concerned about how I presented myself but this was different. I actually was concerned about how I put my outfits together. What matched with what, which shoes to wear, what purse to carry. Before I left the house, everything had to be in place. I noticed that my shoe and purse collection was getting bigger. I now pick up fashion magazines and pay attention to the latest trends and even is wearing make-up. Where before it was 20 min max for me to get ready, now I fall into the category where it can take me anywhere from 45 min to 90 to get ready depending on the venue.

And I wonder at times, what happened to the girl that only wore jeans and a tshirt. It would be nice for her to show up once an awhile