My Fears

We are always changing. Becoming different in big or subtle ways. Part of life is to manage those changes, to make sure our hearts and minds are more and more in tune. With that in mind, what do you need to change?


For me at this point in time, this is an excellent question. There are days when I feel that there is alot that I need to change, while there are other days when I feel that nothing should be changed at all. I do know that I need to change my fears.



I have a fear of not being accepted.


I have done some things that Im not proud of but hey thats life, we live and we learn. But there is so much more that I am proud of. I live my life for me. But I have encountered some people who have passed judgement on me cause of who I am. Im not a typical person nor do I have typical ideas. Living in DC and traveling has exposed me to different ways of the world. I did not grow up being limited. So my interests are not one who see me being "into".



I have a fear of growing old alone.


I love being loved and in love. Yet I have such a terrible dating record. I have been abused for being the person that I am. I have been hurt, heartbroken and used for being the person that I am. So I cannot lie and say that there are times when I feel like my ship has sailed. That Is missed out on having children and being married to the one that will complement me.

Becoming a "Girl"

Funny, this idea has been in my head for awhile, but i didnt know how to title it. I know some are wondering, becoming a girl, you are a girl. I know that, Duh.

This blog is about how I came into my own

I am the first to claim that I am a tomboy. Growing up, I climb trees, ran races, played rough, anything the boys was doing I joined in. I played with the girls at times, but for most I was getting dirty. Even when it came to clothes, in elementary school and junior high, eventhou I wore a uniform I couldnt wait until I put on my jeans. My father tried to get me in dresses but that lasted a short period of time. I remember in 3rd grade, he brought 5 new dresses, by the end of 3rd grade, 4 still had pricetags still on it.

And this continued pretty much all of high school, even college. In high school and college, many didnt see me in a skirt, if they did then it was laundry day. I lived in my jeans, in high school thanks to early 90's baggy was in, and I loved it. It was so easy to throw on a t-shirt and jeans, as it still is today.

But something changed, when I hit my mid twenties, I didnt want to be mistaken for a boy ( I was getting the feeling that at times I was either being seen as a boy or gay). I noticed that I got more into fashion. I was always concerned about how I presented myself but this was different. I actually was concerned about how I put my outfits together. What matched with what, which shoes to wear, what purse to carry. Before I left the house, everything had to be in place. I noticed that my shoe and purse collection was getting bigger. I now pick up fashion magazines and pay attention to the latest trends and even is wearing make-up. Where before it was 20 min max for me to get ready, now I fall into the category where it can take me anywhere from 45 min to 90 to get ready depending on the venue.

And I wonder at times, what happened to the girl that only wore jeans and a tshirt. It would be nice for her to show up once an awhile

I Need Love

".........i need love

somebody to touch me

somebody who wants to be with me only

i need love

somebody to hold me

tell me that they love me

never gonna let me go........."

Ledisi
Ineed Love
2009

I just brought this album on Wednesday and when I heard track #11, I was inspired to write. I saw myself in this song. I believe at times that I am the poster child for unsuccessful male/female relationships.

"......love

i don't think i have much more to give to no one else

maybe its time for me to be by myself

because it hurts to much to put my love on the shelf

love....."

I have been told countless number of times that I should spend time to myself. Figure out who Lisa is. This advice comes about when I go through a short lived relationship. Yes it does hurt when they dont last. Yes it hurts when I give my all and get nothing in return. I do admit that I have been used and abused, physically, mentally and verbally. Eventhou I have had my share of bad relationships, kissed a few frongs, I am still holding out. I believe that it is possible to be in a positive healthy relationship. I have plenty of friends, both male and female who are in healty relationships. I do know that everyday isnt going to peaches and cream. Being in a relationship takes alot of work. Communication is key, along with respect, plus on top of that knowing that Love isn´t an adjective, it´s a verb! Love is a verb, an action word. Action means doing, saying, and moving. Its the small things along with the large things that I believe that my friends know the truth of their partner´s love.

".........love

you said you'd never go away

but your gone, and im right back where i used to be

wondering if you really were for me

love....."

So now I sit here wondering when......

Yes it hurts as I sit there wondering..............

when is it my turn.................

Body Image

"Body image is a term which may refer to a person's perception of his or her own physical appearance, or the interpretation of the body by the brain. Essentially, body image describes how one perceives one's appearance to be to others, which in many cases may be dramatically different from one's objective physical condition or how one is actually perceived by others. "



That is the definition I found from wikipedia.com. Which sounds all good and gravy. I tend to have a hard time seeing the positive in this definition.



Everyone distorts her body size to some extent. After all, people can only look at themselves from within or through a mirror. They can never see themselves from the perspective of someone else. Having some body image distortion is normal. As teenager, I was obsessed with achieving the “white girl” look: slim hips, perky breasts, flat stomach. I hated that I didn’t look like models in my magazines. In high school and most of college, I was straight up and down, no curves, no hips, no butt, and a card carrying member of the IBTC. (itty-bitty tity committee)


I believe that every woman is utterly and completely beautiful. I am ususally the first to say so. I will stop a complete stranger to compliment her. Me on the other hand dont know how to take a compliment, I will throw the attention off me in a heartbeat. Many have to understand that growing up I didnt hear any positive compliments and as adult they are far and few between. Mainly I always heard about how Im not and when I find myself faced with produced images of beauty in magazines or billboards, I still can’t help but wish I looked like them to an extent. Im still on a quest for a flat stomach. As a photographer and this day in age with photoshop, you think that I would understand that what I see at times have been altered. It even has creept into my mind while I am with my partner, I worry that he would see a hair here, or a flabby spot there, and be turned off.



After having time to myself and some internet searching, i found out that this is an age old debate, since women are exploited at times and we live in a visual society. I did find three tips to a healthier body image on glamour.com that I agree with



1. "I will spend less and less time in front of mirrors--especially when they are making me feel uncomfortable and self-conscious about my body."



2. "I will list 5-10 good qualities that I have, such as understanding, intelligence, or creativity. I will repeat these to myself whenever I start to feel bad about my body."



3. "I will surround myself with people and things that make me feel good about myself and my abilities. When I am around people and things that support me and make me feel good, (That’s what I have you guys for!) I will be less likely to base my self-esteem on the way my body looks." (I guess the flipside of that is to not hang around with people who make me feel horrible about myself, right? (I already knew that, but it's a good reminder!)



(borrowed from 3 tips to a Healthier Body Image http://www.glamour.com/health-fitness/blogs/shape-up/2009/08/3-tips-for-better-body-image.html)

Turning 30

Age is just a state of mind... right?

Despite what I would let others believe; I am turned 30 and it is weighing on my mind a little. I keep hearing friends talk about making a list of 'Things to do before you're 30'. I do not have a list.

Being the bright, intelligent and imaginative that I am, when it came to writing my own list the first thing I could think of doing was to Google 'things to do before you turn 30'; all I got was a link to some movie - this was not a good start!

Also when I started listing some of the things which one should have done by the time their 3rd decade rolls around I realised I had not actually done that many of them, and I didn't have a whole heap of time to fit these things in -this put me in an even worse predicament than the Google fiasco.

So what to do? Well I decided to cross one thing off my tentative list now forming in my mind and in the journal by my bed: Start your own website. I am now doing and maintaining, I have managed to add it to my list and cross it off at the same time - finally things are looking up!

So what else should one have achieved/done/seen/tasted/smelt/kissed/kicked/felt/owned/learned?

1. Be able to laugh at yourself. I think this is really important as it applies to so many aspects of your life, and 30 years is a long time to taking yourself seriously.

2. Have survived at least one heartbreak. The real visceral physical pain of breaking up with someone you thought you could never live without, and then living without them anyway.

3. Had at least one really regrettable hairstyle. This one doesn't usually require any real effort especially since we are 80's children.

4.Put together an item of flat pack furniture. And despite following the instructions (or not) have at least one spare part left over. Swedish furniture shops have alot to answer too.

5.Have partied until the sun comes up. Even if you are not the party type this is something you should have done at least once by the time the big 30 comes around.

6.Learn that you can no longer party until the sun comes up without dire consequences. Yes as we get older it would appear that our bodies become less inclined to let us away with a big night out, and it takes longer and longer to recover from such fun. This I am told is what age does to you.

7. Date at least one totally unsuitable boyfriend/girlfriend. (I have more than I would like to count.)

8. Learn that your parents are just normal human beings. They do not know it all, and they may never have claimed to either. By this time you should have realised this and come to see your parents as just older wrinklier versions of you. Flawed and wonderful all at the same time. Make friends with your parents, and take them for dinner every once in a while.

9. Pee in public. OK, so this is not exactly aspirational but it is a rite of passage. Usually done after a night of drinking
.
10. Travel and live in another country. Whether your travels involve seeing every continent in the world by the time you turn 30, or just knowing every back street cafe and bar in a town that you keep coming back to. Travel really does broaden the mind.

11. Figure out a few things that you do not want. This might sound a bit strange; from an early age we are asked what we want to be when we grow up (astronaut),and constantly being asked to choose a path, a career, a degree, a car, a house, a partner. But life is not that simple. I think that alot of what you discover in your twenties is what you don't want, on the path to what you do: "I don't want to live with my parents forever", "I don't want to work weekends ever again", "I don't really want to be a lawyer" ...and so on. And the truth is the more we learn what we don't want the closer we come to what we do want

12. Own at least one item of clothing or shoes which you could not afford at the time.

13. Sing in public. This usually involves alot of alcohol, a crowded bar, a screen with the lyrics running across it and alot of humiliation. Or you could be like me and just sing along with the musick playing in the store.

14.Have at least one alcoholic drink which you cannot even stand the smell. Enough said.

15. Accept that 40 is not 'that old'. If only because you are getting closer to that number all the time.

16. Parachute jump, bungee, hand glide, base jump, crocodile wrestle, fill in outrageously dangerous 'extreme sport' here....... I have not done any of these! (Ok well I did zipline, rode a mechanical bull, and got in a human gyroscope. )

17. Learn that 30 is just another number and that you will still feel that same on the other side of that birthday as you do today, only maybe a little slower and a little greyer.

18. Be part of the zeitgeist and set up your own website. (Check it out www.photoexpress.biz)

19. Balance your checkbook; manage your finances. Enough said

20. Throw out your old list. I use to keep a list that said 1. Be married and have a child before I turn 30. 2. Buy a house 3. Buy a luxury car blah blah blah. I had to sit back and realize that there are some things that I cant control. Things happen thats life. You only have some control. So hey start another one thats more practical.

21.To accept who you are. I am still learning that its ok to be who I am and what I have accomplished so far. Just because I turned 30 doesnt mean my life is going downhill, the fun times are over with. It just means that I still have plenty of time to enjoy life to the fullest.

So think about it, what would you put on your list?

Repost-Effective Communication

I recieved this email from a very good friend of mine. These are her words not mine, but I find this topic is one that is lacking in most cases. I had to go back and search for this email. I find myself on one to many occassions lacking communicating to others, especially males. Read and pass it on.

Effective Communication

"I open my heart and mind to be aware that when I amlistening to myself, I cannot hear other people."

We are taught that communication is a two-way process. Consequently, we are not aware that there are threeessential elements. There is talking, there islistening and there is hearing. We talk a great dealbecause we have much to say. In fact, we talk so muchwe often miss the point someone else is trying tomake. Our talk about our past experience is loadedwith perceptions and judgments. When we arelistening, what we hear gets filtered through the same. We do talk, and we can listen. What challenges most of us is learning how to hear.If you really want to hear someone when they trust youenough to talk to you, don’t listen to the words, hear how the words are spoken. All too often, we cannot hear the words because we come to the conversation with our own ideas about who people are. At the sametime, we are determined not to let them see who we are.

In order for effective and valued communicationto occur, you must believe that you are safe, and you must offer that same safety to the other person.If you want to communicate with another person, youmust hear their fear and not dismiss it. You musthear a person’s pain and not overlook it. It is important to hear a person’s guilt and not buy into it. You must be ready to hear a person’s anger and not fuel it. Most people need to know that they havebeen heard.

Listen to their body. Listen to the volume. Listen to the tempo. If you really want tohear someone, open your heart and listen to theirsoul.In the past, you may not have been able to hear whatpeople are saying to you. However, make an effort toclose your eyes when you are in a conversation. Hear every word that is spoken through the center of your heart.

My Search

I am in class multitasking, I decided to take a class about web page design. As I am sitting here, learning about web page design. I am looking for a new job. A new job, it feels like I have been unemployed forever. I cant stand it. I hate talking about it. I feel like a loser for not having a job. Truth be told I know that its not my fault. There was a reduction in force and my contract was not renewed. I know that, I tell myself that everyday. Reality hit when I received my last paycheck. I have always worked since I was 14 (Yeah DC Summerworks!), my pride holds me back to ask for help. It was demeaning to file for unemployment. Ugh!!! And to think there are some people who live off unemployment. I can see how that is possible. It is going to take 3 checks just for me to pay my house note. I wonder who decided how much unemployment you get. Better yet who designed the system, I understand that one is not tom ake a living off of it, but dang I cant even live with what they are giving me.

So now Im on my search, I am searching for a new job in any shape, form or fashion. So far finding jobs that appeal to me has been great. What is frustrating is that, I have not received any calls. I feel that I am qualified to do pretty much anything. I am a fast learner, but I just cant stop thinking about how many others applied for the same job.

Can say that it has been interesting, last week I went to a job fair and saw so many donts. And to think that my mother and I was having a discussion about me wearing pants and not a skirt.

1. Please dont look like you just came from the club. I saw so many females that was wearing too tight, too low cut clothing.
2. Keep your hair neat. Just because your hair is natural doesnt mean that it has to be a mess. Props goes out the the lady with the black power afro. It demanded attention and it wasnt messy. Have your hair cut, pulled back neat, something
3. Men - Dont wear a baseball cap, comb your hair
4. Hide your tattoos, come on you are looking for a job. You want to be remembered for your qualifications .
5. Which brings me to this, if you have tattoos or thinking about getting one (I have 5), get them in places that can be covered up easily.
6. Dress professionally, wearing your favorite t-shirt and jeans may not get you the job

Through out the job fair there were so many people in violation of the basics, I wanted to pull them to the side and slap them with a fine.
What will boil my blood, they will get a job before me

my fear

Fear
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us.We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be?You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.We are born to make manifest the Glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we subconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Marianne Williamson

Early work

I have been cleaning and purging...I found some poems that I wrote sooo looonnng ago...Here they are

You Love Me

When you say that you love me

Do you mean it, well see

Will you go to the highest mountian

Go to the lowest point of the sea

When you say that you love me

Is it just for me

When you say that you love me

Do you know what that means

In three words can you tell me

Is one talking about me

When you say that you love me

I know what it means

And I know that I love you

Is the strongest feeling for me

When you left me

Did you know when you left me

You broke my heart in two

Did you know that when you left me

There was noone who could replace you

Did you know that when you left me

You turned my world around

Did you know that when you left me

My feelings went upside down

Did you know that when you was there

I could hope for the better

Did you know that when you was there

I wanted to love you forever

Random

My thoughts are just swirling in my mind. I nervous about starting over in my career. I nervous about going forward in photography. I despise turning 30. And most of the time all that I can think about is if I could I would do everything different.
I feel like something is missing in my life. I can say that since my father's passing, I have felt lost. All that I can remember is that I liked where my life was going at that time. I was very comfortable at that point in my life. Things were going well for me. Then my father passed, since then I have had this void. I can say that I havent gotten back on track. I keep going back to the way my life was before he died. I was responsible for me. I went from being responsible for me to pretty much stepping into his shoes. Where before if a bill didnt get paid it was on me, if I didnt eat that was ok. I had my own space. Now things have changed so much, I dont even know where to begin.
I feel like packing up my truck and just moving somewhere anywhere to start all over.

Starting over

I recieved some upseting news about two weeks ago. I got a letter from PGCPS terminating my employment. Yuck to get a letter in the mail saying we dont need you anymore bye peace have a nice life. My heart sank. Thoughts were and still now are swarming in my head. Ill be 30 in August, and will have no job, no man, no money. Where is the bright side? Let me know.

I have been teaching for 8 years. Thats all I know. To tell the truth I love teaching even thou this year has been REALLY trying when it comes to my students. Unlike last year, most of the students in my class this year dont know how to work as a group and its all about me me me. At times they can be down right mean. They do have their good days, but at most the bad out weigh the good. SO it has been a trying year trying to even to get them to respect one another. Its still a work in progress and there are 6 days left of school.

All that I can think about is whats next. Im not a planner. I plan, but dont ask me what I am doing on Friday and its Monday. Most of the time I have no clue. Which is fine with me at times, then there are times when I feel that I should more things planned out in life. I know people who have planned everything even down to the month when they would like their first. child born. Me, I like to see whats in store. As far as planning, the farthest I got was what college I was going to. After that I have been living life, I think.......

So know I need to have some type of plan. I didnt think getting a letter was going to happen to me. I dont have a Plan B. Maybe its time to create one

I found out......

I got the strangest text message/phone call last night. I received a text from one of my former coworkers. I did date him for awhile....a short while. He sent me a text cause as he said to discuss something with me, before I found out from someone else. I think the worse, thinking about things at my former school.
then he dropped the bomb....
He got married....
but felt guilty telling me or having me found out from someone else
It hit me, I cant lie Im shocked.......but I am not jealous or hurt in anyway. Ok I did think at one point that I would be the Mrs., that thought left my mind a loooong time ago.
I just said congrats!!!! I am happy for him, I really am.
Just his marriage along with so many others that I know....just got me wondering

when is it my turn?

So far I have heard the following:
1. I do TOO MUCH, what does that mean?
2. Im different from other girls....ok I know that I have my blond moments, and is goofy, ok I dont eat watermelon
3. I want TOO MUCH....someone explain that to me...
4. Im too independent...

Im confused
Im confused

Google

the other day i was hanging out with an old friend from high school. we havent seen each other since he graduated. he was 2 years ahead of me in school. of course then the college years come, we just lost touch with each other. fast foward 8-10 years later, i ran into his twin brother while being out with my friends one friday. his twin tells me the scoop, gives me the rundown, we exchange numbers and be on our way. week passes he calls, we hang out and it felt like thngs havent changed .......to a point.......

he is still the same, he could make me laugh, smile, be me

the funny thing is that we were having a conversation about where are the good ones, both of us has yet to find "the one"
this came up:
him: you should google "where to find a good man" answer should be sitting right next to you
me:lets see

im not confused nor taken back by his answer....his comment made me think about the good guys i know and made me wonder what they are doing now and are they still good guys?
did they get hurt and no longer the good ones?
what happened?

A Change

I need a change!!!

Its time for a change!!!

In the spirit of change,

I need a change!!!

Conference

Today Im at the MICCA conference in Bmore. This is another conference that I am going to enjoy. I can say that going to conferences is another perk of being a teacher. A teacher, my career, my job, what I do to make money. Yes I went to school for 4 years to become a teacher. At first I was leery about my career choice. But I fell in love with teaching and all that teaching does. I know that I dont make much, but to know that I am working with the younger generation. I dont plan on advancing in my career. I dont see myself in the classroom, but I know that I dont want to deal with an administration role.

I saying all this cause eventhough I like teaching, I need a change.

So whats Next????

The Butterfly

I received in the mail an inspiring letter about healing. As most of you know, 2007 ended up being a hard yet memorable year due to the fact that I lost my father. As most of you know, I was very close to my father. So I am going to share the words that I received today.

The Butterfly

The butterfly is a symbol of hope, the symbol of new life and the symbol of those who are bereaved. Before it comes a butterfly, though, it must spend time in a cocoon.

We might be tempted to help release the butterfly from her cocoon. It is human nature to want to assist, but if we do, she will fall to the ground and die. By her struggle to free herself, she strengthens her wings enough to survive and fly.

Grief is certainly like this process. We feel ugly, we change, we hide, we sometimes spin a cocoon around ourselves. It takes a long time. There is a difference, however, others may help us as we struggle. We need not todo it all alone as the butterfly does; but the ultimate responsiblity is ours. We have to grieve, hurt, cry, be angry and struggle to free ourselves from the cocoon of grief. And one day we do emerge---a beautiful butterfly---a stronger person,a more compassionate person, a more understanding person.

--Author unknown

I would like to thank all of those that showed me that there is still hope. I thank God everyday for having true friends, that are genuine. They have really showed me about being there for each other. I would like to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart.

Rainy Monday

Its a rainy Monday after having such a glorious weekend. boo

I decided that today I would start blogging about my thoughts, dreams and goal.
Things that I have heard that I feel should be shared. This blog is pretty much going to be eclectic....very much like my life. Hence the title Mi Vida Loca

Welcome to Mi Vida Loca!!!!