reassure

Is it too much to ask for reassurance in life?
To reassure someone is to restore confidence; to assure again, to render safe and secure
Is that alot to ask for?
Im starting to think it is
Im not asking for alot
Just a simple positive comment from time to time

10 things you dont know about me

• my favorite pastime is lying down, looking at the clouds
• i love horror movies, but can't really watch them alone, sometimes i fast forward through the really gruesome parts
• i'm the kind of person that makes jokes to hide their feelings
• if i had the chance i would move to a farm right now.
• i find it hard to take compliments, or i just don't believe them myself
• i have extremely good hearing and almost all of the time hear you, when i dont react its cause i'm ignoring you
• i have really high expectations for myself
• im pretty laid back, but i like things going my way
• i sing along with the music played in stores, and might even dance to it
• i think that im painfully average, i would love to do something memorable

Picture of the Day

I took this photo one spring afternoon. I was getting out of my car and saw this one flower hanging through the fence of my neighbor's yard. It looked so far away from the other blooms. So alone yet, like it was trying to get away from the rest. I decided to take a close-up picture of it. To give the flower its effect, i changed the picture to black and white and added a purple hue to the shadows.

My Fears

We are always changing. Becoming different in big or subtle ways. Part of life is to manage those changes, to make sure our hearts and minds are more and more in tune. With that in mind, what do you need to change?


For me at this point in time, this is an excellent question. There are days when I feel that there is alot that I need to change, while there are other days when I feel that nothing should be changed at all. I do know that I need to change my fears.



I have a fear of not being accepted.


I have done some things that Im not proud of but hey thats life, we live and we learn. But there is so much more that I am proud of. I live my life for me. But I have encountered some people who have passed judgement on me cause of who I am. Im not a typical person nor do I have typical ideas. Living in DC and traveling has exposed me to different ways of the world. I did not grow up being limited. So my interests are not one who see me being "into".



I have a fear of growing old alone.


I love being loved and in love. Yet I have such a terrible dating record. I have been abused for being the person that I am. I have been hurt, heartbroken and used for being the person that I am. So I cannot lie and say that there are times when I feel like my ship has sailed. That Is missed out on having children and being married to the one that will complement me.

I Need Love

".........i need love

somebody to touch me

somebody who wants to be with me only

i need love

somebody to hold me

tell me that they love me

never gonna let me go........."

Ledisi
Ineed Love
2009

I just brought this album on Wednesday and when I heard track #11, I was inspired to write. I saw myself in this song. I believe at times that I am the poster child for unsuccessful male/female relationships.

"......love

i don't think i have much more to give to no one else

maybe its time for me to be by myself

because it hurts to much to put my love on the shelf

love....."

I have been told countless number of times that I should spend time to myself. Figure out who Lisa is. This advice comes about when I go through a short lived relationship. Yes it does hurt when they dont last. Yes it hurts when I give my all and get nothing in return. I do admit that I have been used and abused, physically, mentally and verbally. Eventhou I have had my share of bad relationships, kissed a few frongs, I am still holding out. I believe that it is possible to be in a positive healthy relationship. I have plenty of friends, both male and female who are in healty relationships. I do know that everyday isnt going to peaches and cream. Being in a relationship takes alot of work. Communication is key, along with respect, plus on top of that knowing that Love isn´t an adjective, it´s a verb! Love is a verb, an action word. Action means doing, saying, and moving. Its the small things along with the large things that I believe that my friends know the truth of their partner´s love.

".........love

you said you'd never go away

but your gone, and im right back where i used to be

wondering if you really were for me

love....."

So now I sit here wondering when......

Yes it hurts as I sit there wondering..............

when is it my turn.................

Turning 30

Age is just a state of mind... right?

Despite what I would let others believe; I am turned 30 and it is weighing on my mind a little. I keep hearing friends talk about making a list of 'Things to do before you're 30'. I do not have a list.

Being the bright, intelligent and imaginative that I am, when it came to writing my own list the first thing I could think of doing was to Google 'things to do before you turn 30'; all I got was a link to some movie - this was not a good start!

Also when I started listing some of the things which one should have done by the time their 3rd decade rolls around I realised I had not actually done that many of them, and I didn't have a whole heap of time to fit these things in -this put me in an even worse predicament than the Google fiasco.

So what to do? Well I decided to cross one thing off my tentative list now forming in my mind and in the journal by my bed: Start your own website. I am now doing and maintaining, I have managed to add it to my list and cross it off at the same time - finally things are looking up!

So what else should one have achieved/done/seen/tasted/smelt/kissed/kicked/felt/owned/learned?

1. Be able to laugh at yourself. I think this is really important as it applies to so many aspects of your life, and 30 years is a long time to taking yourself seriously.

2. Have survived at least one heartbreak. The real visceral physical pain of breaking up with someone you thought you could never live without, and then living without them anyway.

3. Had at least one really regrettable hairstyle. This one doesn't usually require any real effort especially since we are 80's children.

4.Put together an item of flat pack furniture. And despite following the instructions (or not) have at least one spare part left over. Swedish furniture shops have alot to answer too.

5.Have partied until the sun comes up. Even if you are not the party type this is something you should have done at least once by the time the big 30 comes around.

6.Learn that you can no longer party until the sun comes up without dire consequences. Yes as we get older it would appear that our bodies become less inclined to let us away with a big night out, and it takes longer and longer to recover from such fun. This I am told is what age does to you.

7. Date at least one totally unsuitable boyfriend/girlfriend. (I have more than I would like to count.)

8. Learn that your parents are just normal human beings. They do not know it all, and they may never have claimed to either. By this time you should have realised this and come to see your parents as just older wrinklier versions of you. Flawed and wonderful all at the same time. Make friends with your parents, and take them for dinner every once in a while.

9. Pee in public. OK, so this is not exactly aspirational but it is a rite of passage. Usually done after a night of drinking
.
10. Travel and live in another country. Whether your travels involve seeing every continent in the world by the time you turn 30, or just knowing every back street cafe and bar in a town that you keep coming back to. Travel really does broaden the mind.

11. Figure out a few things that you do not want. This might sound a bit strange; from an early age we are asked what we want to be when we grow up (astronaut),and constantly being asked to choose a path, a career, a degree, a car, a house, a partner. But life is not that simple. I think that alot of what you discover in your twenties is what you don't want, on the path to what you do: "I don't want to live with my parents forever", "I don't want to work weekends ever again", "I don't really want to be a lawyer" ...and so on. And the truth is the more we learn what we don't want the closer we come to what we do want

12. Own at least one item of clothing or shoes which you could not afford at the time.

13. Sing in public. This usually involves alot of alcohol, a crowded bar, a screen with the lyrics running across it and alot of humiliation. Or you could be like me and just sing along with the musick playing in the store.

14.Have at least one alcoholic drink which you cannot even stand the smell. Enough said.

15. Accept that 40 is not 'that old'. If only because you are getting closer to that number all the time.

16. Parachute jump, bungee, hand glide, base jump, crocodile wrestle, fill in outrageously dangerous 'extreme sport' here....... I have not done any of these! (Ok well I did zipline, rode a mechanical bull, and got in a human gyroscope. )

17. Learn that 30 is just another number and that you will still feel that same on the other side of that birthday as you do today, only maybe a little slower and a little greyer.

18. Be part of the zeitgeist and set up your own website. (Check it out www.photoexpress.biz)

19. Balance your checkbook; manage your finances. Enough said

20. Throw out your old list. I use to keep a list that said 1. Be married and have a child before I turn 30. 2. Buy a house 3. Buy a luxury car blah blah blah. I had to sit back and realize that there are some things that I cant control. Things happen thats life. You only have some control. So hey start another one thats more practical.

21.To accept who you are. I am still learning that its ok to be who I am and what I have accomplished so far. Just because I turned 30 doesnt mean my life is going downhill, the fun times are over with. It just means that I still have plenty of time to enjoy life to the fullest.

So think about it, what would you put on your list?

My Search

I am in class multitasking, I decided to take a class about web page design. As I am sitting here, learning about web page design. I am looking for a new job. A new job, it feels like I have been unemployed forever. I cant stand it. I hate talking about it. I feel like a loser for not having a job. Truth be told I know that its not my fault. There was a reduction in force and my contract was not renewed. I know that, I tell myself that everyday. Reality hit when I received my last paycheck. I have always worked since I was 14 (Yeah DC Summerworks!), my pride holds me back to ask for help. It was demeaning to file for unemployment. Ugh!!! And to think there are some people who live off unemployment. I can see how that is possible. It is going to take 3 checks just for me to pay my house note. I wonder who decided how much unemployment you get. Better yet who designed the system, I understand that one is not tom ake a living off of it, but dang I cant even live with what they are giving me.

So now Im on my search, I am searching for a new job in any shape, form or fashion. So far finding jobs that appeal to me has been great. What is frustrating is that, I have not received any calls. I feel that I am qualified to do pretty much anything. I am a fast learner, but I just cant stop thinking about how many others applied for the same job.

Can say that it has been interesting, last week I went to a job fair and saw so many donts. And to think that my mother and I was having a discussion about me wearing pants and not a skirt.

1. Please dont look like you just came from the club. I saw so many females that was wearing too tight, too low cut clothing.
2. Keep your hair neat. Just because your hair is natural doesnt mean that it has to be a mess. Props goes out the the lady with the black power afro. It demanded attention and it wasnt messy. Have your hair cut, pulled back neat, something
3. Men - Dont wear a baseball cap, comb your hair
4. Hide your tattoos, come on you are looking for a job. You want to be remembered for your qualifications .
5. Which brings me to this, if you have tattoos or thinking about getting one (I have 5), get them in places that can be covered up easily.
6. Dress professionally, wearing your favorite t-shirt and jeans may not get you the job

Through out the job fair there were so many people in violation of the basics, I wanted to pull them to the side and slap them with a fine.
What will boil my blood, they will get a job before me

Starting over

I recieved some upseting news about two weeks ago. I got a letter from PGCPS terminating my employment. Yuck to get a letter in the mail saying we dont need you anymore bye peace have a nice life. My heart sank. Thoughts were and still now are swarming in my head. Ill be 30 in August, and will have no job, no man, no money. Where is the bright side? Let me know.

I have been teaching for 8 years. Thats all I know. To tell the truth I love teaching even thou this year has been REALLY trying when it comes to my students. Unlike last year, most of the students in my class this year dont know how to work as a group and its all about me me me. At times they can be down right mean. They do have their good days, but at most the bad out weigh the good. SO it has been a trying year trying to even to get them to respect one another. Its still a work in progress and there are 6 days left of school.

All that I can think about is whats next. Im not a planner. I plan, but dont ask me what I am doing on Friday and its Monday. Most of the time I have no clue. Which is fine with me at times, then there are times when I feel that I should more things planned out in life. I know people who have planned everything even down to the month when they would like their first. child born. Me, I like to see whats in store. As far as planning, the farthest I got was what college I was going to. After that I have been living life, I think.......

So know I need to have some type of plan. I didnt think getting a letter was going to happen to me. I dont have a Plan B. Maybe its time to create one

Conference

Today Im at the MICCA conference in Bmore. This is another conference that I am going to enjoy. I can say that going to conferences is another perk of being a teacher. A teacher, my career, my job, what I do to make money. Yes I went to school for 4 years to become a teacher. At first I was leery about my career choice. But I fell in love with teaching and all that teaching does. I know that I dont make much, but to know that I am working with the younger generation. I dont plan on advancing in my career. I dont see myself in the classroom, but I know that I dont want to deal with an administration role.

I saying all this cause eventhough I like teaching, I need a change.

So whats Next????