My thoughts are just swirling in my mind. I nervous about starting over in my career. I nervous about going forward in photography. I despise turning 30. And most of the time all that I can think about is if I could I would do everything different.
I feel like something is missing in my life. I can say that since my father's passing, I have felt lost. All that I can remember is that I liked where my life was going at that time. I was very comfortable at that point in my life. Things were going well for me. Then my father passed, since then I have had this void. I can say that I havent gotten back on track. I keep going back to the way my life was before he died. I was responsible for me. I went from being responsible for me to pretty much stepping into his shoes. Where before if a bill didnt get paid it was on me, if I didnt eat that was ok. I had my own space. Now things have changed so much, I dont even know where to begin.
I feel like packing up my truck and just moving somewhere anywhere to start all over.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Starting over
I recieved some upseting news about two weeks ago. I got a letter from PGCPS terminating my employment. Yuck to get a letter in the mail saying we dont need you anymore bye peace have a nice life. My heart sank. Thoughts were and still now are swarming in my head. Ill be 30 in August, and will have no job, no man, no money. Where is the bright side? Let me know.
I have been teaching for 8 years. Thats all I know. To tell the truth I love teaching even thou this year has been REALLY trying when it comes to my students. Unlike last year, most of the students in my class this year dont know how to work as a group and its all about me me me. At times they can be down right mean. They do have their good days, but at most the bad out weigh the good. SO it has been a trying year trying to even to get them to respect one another. Its still a work in progress and there are 6 days left of school.
All that I can think about is whats next. Im not a planner. I plan, but dont ask me what I am doing on Friday and its Monday. Most of the time I have no clue. Which is fine with me at times, then there are times when I feel that I should more things planned out in life. I know people who have planned everything even down to the month when they would like their first. child born. Me, I like to see whats in store. As far as planning, the farthest I got was what college I was going to. After that I have been living life, I think.......
So know I need to have some type of plan. I didnt think getting a letter was going to happen to me. I dont have a Plan B. Maybe its time to create one
I have been teaching for 8 years. Thats all I know. To tell the truth I love teaching even thou this year has been REALLY trying when it comes to my students. Unlike last year, most of the students in my class this year dont know how to work as a group and its all about me me me. At times they can be down right mean. They do have their good days, but at most the bad out weigh the good. SO it has been a trying year trying to even to get them to respect one another. Its still a work in progress and there are 6 days left of school.
All that I can think about is whats next. Im not a planner. I plan, but dont ask me what I am doing on Friday and its Monday. Most of the time I have no clue. Which is fine with me at times, then there are times when I feel that I should more things planned out in life. I know people who have planned everything even down to the month when they would like their first. child born. Me, I like to see whats in store. As far as planning, the farthest I got was what college I was going to. After that I have been living life, I think.......
So know I need to have some type of plan. I didnt think getting a letter was going to happen to me. I dont have a Plan B. Maybe its time to create one
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
I found out......
I got the strangest text message/phone call last night. I received a text from one of my former coworkers. I did date him for awhile....a short while. He sent me a text cause as he said to discuss something with me, before I found out from someone else. I think the worse, thinking about things at my former school.
then he dropped the bomb....
He got married....
but felt guilty telling me or having me found out from someone else
It hit me, I cant lie Im shocked.......but I am not jealous or hurt in anyway. Ok I did think at one point that I would be the Mrs., that thought left my mind a loooong time ago.
I just said congrats!!!! I am happy for him, I really am.
Just his marriage along with so many others that I know....just got me wondering
when is it my turn?
So far I have heard the following:
1. I do TOO MUCH, what does that mean?
2. Im different from other girls....ok I know that I have my blond moments, and is goofy, ok I dont eat watermelon
3. I want TOO MUCH....someone explain that to me...
4. Im too independent...
Im confused
Im confused
then he dropped the bomb....
He got married....
but felt guilty telling me or having me found out from someone else
It hit me, I cant lie Im shocked.......but I am not jealous or hurt in anyway. Ok I did think at one point that I would be the Mrs., that thought left my mind a loooong time ago.
I just said congrats!!!! I am happy for him, I really am.
Just his marriage along with so many others that I know....just got me wondering
when is it my turn?
So far I have heard the following:
1. I do TOO MUCH, what does that mean?
2. Im different from other girls....ok I know that I have my blond moments, and is goofy, ok I dont eat watermelon
3. I want TOO MUCH....someone explain that to me...
4. Im too independent...
Im confused
Im confused
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
the other day i was hanging out with an old friend from high school. we havent seen each other since he graduated. he was 2 years ahead of me in school. of course then the college years come, we just lost touch with each other. fast foward 8-10 years later, i ran into his twin brother while being out with my friends one friday. his twin tells me the scoop, gives me the rundown, we exchange numbers and be on our way. week passes he calls, we hang out and it felt like thngs havent changed .......to a point.......
he is still the same, he could make me laugh, smile, be me
the funny thing is that we were having a conversation about where are the good ones, both of us has yet to find "the one"
this came up:
him: you should google "where to find a good man" answer should be sitting right next to you
me:lets see
im not confused nor taken back by his answer....his comment made me think about the good guys i know and made me wonder what they are doing now and are they still good guys?
did they get hurt and no longer the good ones?
what happened?
he is still the same, he could make me laugh, smile, be me
the funny thing is that we were having a conversation about where are the good ones, both of us has yet to find "the one"
this came up:
him: you should google "where to find a good man" answer should be sitting right next to you
me:lets see
im not confused nor taken back by his answer....his comment made me think about the good guys i know and made me wonder what they are doing now and are they still good guys?
did they get hurt and no longer the good ones?
what happened?
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Conference
Today Im at the MICCA conference in Bmore. This is another conference that I am going to enjoy. I can say that going to conferences is another perk of being a teacher. A teacher, my career, my job, what I do to make money. Yes I went to school for 4 years to become a teacher. At first I was leery about my career choice. But I fell in love with teaching and all that teaching does. I know that I dont make much, but to know that I am working with the younger generation. I dont plan on advancing in my career. I dont see myself in the classroom, but I know that I dont want to deal with an administration role.
I saying all this cause eventhough I like teaching, I need a change.
So whats Next????
I saying all this cause eventhough I like teaching, I need a change.
So whats Next????
Monday, April 20, 2009
The Butterfly
I received in the mail an inspiring letter about healing. As most of you know, 2007 ended up being a hard yet memorable year due to the fact that I lost my father. As most of you know, I was very close to my father. So I am going to share the words that I received today.
The Butterfly
The butterfly is a symbol of hope, the symbol of new life and the symbol of those who are bereaved. Before it comes a butterfly, though, it must spend time in a cocoon.
We might be tempted to help release the butterfly from her cocoon. It is human nature to want to assist, but if we do, she will fall to the ground and die. By her struggle to free herself, she strengthens her wings enough to survive and fly.
Grief is certainly like this process. We feel ugly, we change, we hide, we sometimes spin a cocoon around ourselves. It takes a long time. There is a difference, however, others may help us as we struggle. We need not todo it all alone as the butterfly does; but the ultimate responsiblity is ours. We have to grieve, hurt, cry, be angry and struggle to free ourselves from the cocoon of grief. And one day we do emerge---a beautiful butterfly---a stronger person,a more compassionate person, a more understanding person.
--Author unknown
I would like to thank all of those that showed me that there is still hope. I thank God everyday for having true friends, that are genuine. They have really showed me about being there for each other. I would like to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart.
The Butterfly
The butterfly is a symbol of hope, the symbol of new life and the symbol of those who are bereaved. Before it comes a butterfly, though, it must spend time in a cocoon.
We might be tempted to help release the butterfly from her cocoon. It is human nature to want to assist, but if we do, she will fall to the ground and die. By her struggle to free herself, she strengthens her wings enough to survive and fly.
Grief is certainly like this process. We feel ugly, we change, we hide, we sometimes spin a cocoon around ourselves. It takes a long time. There is a difference, however, others may help us as we struggle. We need not todo it all alone as the butterfly does; but the ultimate responsiblity is ours. We have to grieve, hurt, cry, be angry and struggle to free ourselves from the cocoon of grief. And one day we do emerge---a beautiful butterfly---a stronger person,a more compassionate person, a more understanding person.
--Author unknown
I would like to thank all of those that showed me that there is still hope. I thank God everyday for having true friends, that are genuine. They have really showed me about being there for each other. I would like to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart.
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